2006-03-15 @ 2:15 p.m.....

the mind is such a effed up thing. it can totally convince you of things that make no sense to the outside world. when contained inside of your own head, your thoughts can be as cruel as the big kid at school.

as a result of our defining moment conversation yesterday, i've been all over the map emotionally and back again.

on one hand i'm just so incredibly awed by my own capacity to love and give freely despite all of the negativity and repressive shit i've put on myself over the years. that is the good hand.

on the other hand.... and this is why i'm so effed up today.... on the other hand my mind is playin so many tricks on me. i mean.

what if he blames me for everything? what if he thinks that i'm the reason he went ahead and ruined his so-called happy existence prior to that? i even feel like i'm the one who's prolonging his pain.... what if he can't even look at me ever again? what if i had had sex with him? would he have stayed with me?

these are the things my mind is telling me, the questions that bombard me from every angle and make my stomach swirl.

these are the things that i wasn't ready for, but yet here i am and i'm handling them like a champ.

my world has been opened up a little wider over the past couple of weeks. such a brief instant in time and yet look at how much i've grown. my legs hurt with shooting spasms just like i was a teen with growing pains.

my friend says, don't dwell on what was - leave it as it was. it was beautiful. nothing can take tha taway from me except for my own effing mind. so don't let it.

this is just the way things need to be for now. it just is.

let's move on.

so what can i do to distract myself?

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?